Dream Team give the Cougars a mauling!

Readers will be delighted with the timely return of Duncan "Chunky" Small to the keyboard. Leaving his Bacardi & Coke on the side, Chunky provides his usual blend of humour and this time even managed to advertise a new Pub (which as it turns out, really is very good and well worth a visit):

Dream Team give the Cougars a mauling!

After that snappy title you would probably expect a sharp and insightful match report focusing on the handling skills on show (or lack of them) and a comprehensive commentary on the game as tends to happen in other reports but it's my first of the season so hence I will be making only vague reference to actual events.

With the Friday night 1st XV match having been cancelled (no interest apparently) it was left to the mighty Bosh to offer a capacity Myreside a blend of rugby so enjoyed by Scotland's rugby public - which if reference to the national team is anything to go by involves aimless tactics and chronic execution of anything planned. To suggest that the Dream Team actually plan anything is clearly laughable with the most significant planning exercise being whether Dougie should sneak two fags in before kick off or just the one. Also in attendance (though not playing) was Darren Love who now lives permanently it would appear in his new pub Oscars on Slateford Road which is really very good and is well worth a visit.

Pre-match banter was the usual high class that frankly none of the other teams in the club could possibly match. I have no evidence to back this up clearly but when the personnel includes Ricky Cowan, Dougie Meikle et al you know that there is unlikely to be a tense atmosphere in the room even, if like me, you pitch up with 20 minutes before kick off. One of the targets we achieved was to fulfil the suggestion that we should probably only have a short warm up - with only ten minutes before kick off when this suggestion was put forward it was agreed that this was probably a good thing.

There was a suspicion that the game could be a little tighter than the previous fixture against the same opposition particularly when they appeared to have been warming up with a number of drills and had a playing pool of 21 as opposed to the previous game when I recall they had 12! Once the home team front row had managed to negotiate the world's most ridiculous jerseys it was down to the tricky matter of deciding line out codes which quickly became clear were unlikely to be a big issue with Ali Wright being able to jump higher unaided than most of the 3rd/4th XV jumpers we have faced could reach when lifted. With that in mind the calls towards the end of the game became clear to both sides when they consisted of "front" or "number two" rather than any tricky coded stuff. Worst call from the opposition was towards the middle of the 2nd half when without exception every one of our throws had gone to the front someone in the Cougars made the shout of "it's going to two!" They were right too.

The team for today's game was a heady mixture of age, talent and fitness - some lacking in all three departments but I wouldn't name any of those individuals. It is a shame that Clark Gillespie played his last game before retirement anyway!! Just kidding Clarky, you played a good game and since you said that next season's playing quota will be based on only playing when absolutely required, you should be getting a call some time in September and every week thereafter! Clarky and Neil Freshwater made up the heavy weight wing pairing, avec le Capitaine Feeleep at full back. The centre partnership of Ricky Cowan and Kenny Campbell promised pace and power…a few years ago maybe but these days it's more about protecting hamstrings - I'm just jealous having never owned a pair. The ever reliable (in a Gregor Townsend style) stand off was James Mcdougall and Torquil Mathewson covered scrum half in the absence of Mark Gifford.

When the front row of McLellan, Small and Meikle were told that it was to be uncontested scrums there was an initial moan about not being able to rub the opposition's noses in the mud but then the realisation that tomorrow things would be less sore as a result made the idea an agreeable one. The house of boiler belonged to Ric Davey and Alastair Raitt with the back row consisting of some young chaps called James Buncle, Ali Wright and Tom frobisher. The report's writer being of more advanced years and having developed a phobia of club training was only aware of one of this trio based on the fact that the Buncle family live two doors up from his even more aged parents in the ghetto slums of Morningside Park where "sex" is what you carry your tatties in! Possibly rambling now so quickly back to the heat of the action!

There was no Martin Macari, Euan Lyster, Norrie Rowan or Charlie Crawford who was on some mission involving a mystical ring that he had to deliver to some far off place. For explanation of this, compare Charles-Charlie-Charles to the lead character of a certain recent film trilogy.

Refereeing the game was Rob Easton who failed to give a reasonable answer to the queries put his way during the pre-match stud check when he asked whether there were any questions. That these questions included "should I be retaining an endowment mortgage?" and "what is the maximum speed of the North African swallow?" was irrelevant and he should have given answers!!

Playing up hill, into a bit of a breeze with the sun in ours eyes - god it was tough! - we received kick off and commenced matters with what turned out to be the story of the 1st half for us, with a move which started out pretty well but ultimately ended up in a forward pass or dropped ball. With the guys we were playing being no mugs we did tend to make our lives difficult for ourselves particularly with players making the serious mistake of passing to my good self when before the match I had surgically removed my hands, replacing them with water-filled balloons. We also tackled like fairies (not sure how the ed will publish that)(like this. Ed.) and leaked tries with alarming regularity. It was handy enough that their kicker had the same success rate as James Mcdougall so they were only scoring in multiples of five!

With the home team having taken tips from the Nick De Luca school of catching we were always struggling to make headway and although there was the odd venture into the opposition half the preferred half of the pitch remained the lower end though one lurch towards the line resulted in a try for Torqs using all his pace and slippery running to bludgeon over from a tap penalty. Another try came as a result of a slick move which actually came off with pop passing and good running angles giving Ricky a try near the posts. Kenny slotted both conversions so at half time the score stood at 14-20.

The 2nd half was a more pleasant experience with the slope and breeze in our favour. We had also noted a potential weak link in the opposition's solution for dealing with high balls - let the ball bounce or simply drop it on the full. With the home team putting more pressure on the game a breakthrough couldn't be too far away. Not surprisingly it came from the home team's most effective runner Torqs, with a try under the posts which Kenny converted using the world's longest run up. At this point things became fuzzy as to who was scoring tries but I'm pretty sure Clarky got one and Ratty got the other. I have vague recollection of them being quite good scores to boot.

The final whistle felt like a warm duvet of comfort for those in the team carrying injuries or simply lacking any vague form of fitness. Further entertainment was provided by skipper Philippe asking us to give "sree cheers for ve Cougars, 'eep 'eep hoorah…etc" Made me laugh anyway!

Earlier in the report I touched on the said end to the playing careers of two 4th XV regulars who have now decided that age has caught up on them (and that their wives rule the roust) so no longer will Clark be playing in the second row, back row, wing or wherever it was and a collective sigh of relief from any number of jaws, now safe in the knowledge that John McLellan has played his final game! Taking into account the number of times John, particularly, has retired previously we will more than likely see him back next season.

Regular readers may also have noted that there has been no mention of Rod Hathway who was on holiday so there will be no insightful coach's comments to add - shame!

Man of the Match award is this week chosen by my 1 year old son randomly picking a name from scrunched up paper balls and his choice was Kenny Campbell - so well done to Raby. In fairness you did play well but you need to ease down a bit and take things more calmly with less panic!!!!

Final comment should be about Ricky "Hitman" Cowan and his sin binning for pushing a player in a rough way! I'm glad that justice has finally caught up with one of the game's dirtiest player and I personally thought he should have been sent off.

DS

watsoniansrugby.com

Published: 20/2/08