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Player/Coach Rod Hathway recovered enough strength and dignity to file this week's report:
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Police Notice: 4th XV victims of Assault
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This weekend Lothian and Borders police were seeking witnesses to a serious crime committed between 2 and 4pm on Saturday 1st December 2007. The crime took place in a field on the Glebe, near to the Greenyards Rugby ground in Melrose. Chief Superintendent D Carmichael of the Myreside station has confirmed that a crime of this nature has not been perpetrated on this scale since some time before the 1st world war.
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On or around 2pm on the 1st (officers can't be accurate due to the conflicting reports coming back from persons unidentified but resembling overgrown and unhealthy deer caught in the high beam of a very fast moving vehicle) that the crime took the form of a mugging involving 17 victims and approximately the same number of perpetrators. (It is also important to point out that whilst the livestock analogy has been used, no dumb animals were actually harmed during the making of this crime report, well apart from those silly enough to wander into the scene of crime on the date in question)
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Eyewitnesses report that the victims were seen casually plodding down to the crime scene 10 minutes after they should have been there to meet their opposition for a rugby match. The opposition were nowhere to be seen however suspicions should have been aroused when a group of scary looking gentlemen in striped shirts (perhaps escapees from the local lock up) were seen lurking in the area where the opposition were supposed to be. The gentlemen were well organised (it was obvious that this was not the first time that they had taken an unsuspecting group of victims by total surprise) and whilst the victims claim that they never actually remember the exact time the mugging started, someone did mention that a signal resembling a whistle was heard first. "The scary gentlemen proceeded to steal our ball and refused to give it back for approximately 80 minutes and when we did get it back they were rather robust in their attempts to recover it" reported head vic…coach, Rod Hathway
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It is unusual to release details of the victim in any crime report but the authorities have decided that it is necessary to make some observations and provide some constructive feedback to all and sundry so that incidents like this do not occur again. There were several star witnesses missing from the trip down to the borders. Whilst the deer analogy served a purpose in the opening paragraph, mentions of a large, unwieldy and probably quite horny stag were also mentioned, but this was nowhere near Melrose at the time. The presence of the stag left quite a few holes in the preparations for the trip and some very notable call offs and no shows closer to the starting whistle led to some last minute tactical changes (i.e. you will all have to play the full 80 minutes type of thing). The pack was bolstered by one or two debutants in the shape of Duncan Cameron fresh from School (clearly very fresh as he had forgotten to take his office bearers tie off) and Tom Frobisher who played at flanker but was later caught sending a text saying "I played at flanker but was not sure how to bind" Welcome to the non binding flankers club Tom! A welcome return was given to Euan "Please can you ensure that everyone knows that I lasted a full match" Lyster at hooker (although his middle name was later changed to Euan "Please can you ensure that everyone knows that I can spell and really do know the line out codes" Lyster). The front row was neatly and solidly completed by John Mclellan who, despite not been able to travel earlier in the week was kidnapped from his house in Polwarth at around 12.30 that day. The second row was bolstered by the temporary return of Harry Mustard who, himself fell victim to an attack by a nasty piece of turf which threw itself on Harry towards the end of a very legitimate tackle by one of the perpetrators (Police were quick to point out that this incident had nothing to do with the mugging at all) Ric Davey, Andy Carson, Karl "Shaulk" Von Buddenbroek and Rod "this number 8 shirt feels a little tight" Hathway made up the rest of the pack who spent most of the ensuing 80 minutes trying to keep up with the blitzkrieg (in Hathway's case completely off side but in his defence he did do it to try and slow the game down to a speed more conducive to his style of play, well according to Hathway)
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The back line looked a little more familiar to witnesses who may have travelled from Edinburgh (Well the Captain's fiancée who actually went to see her granny so can't be used to identify any of the accused). Alex Grant gamely stepped in to play scrum half, James "I agree with the coach, we need to take this match seriously" McDougal playing the pivotal role of playmaker, Peter Cox and Kenny "Silver Fox" Campbell making up the midfield and Clark Gillespie and Pip (not sure what colour his hair used to be" on the wings. Captain Hourcastagné leading from the back as usual. Neil freshwater, making his third appearance for the team made up the 17 in a spirited and positive way (being the only member of the team not to cry afterwards).
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Well, the fact is, the rest of it is a bit of a blur. Kenny was asked to pull a match report together but as he was actually concussed it may make even less sense than this crime report "I think I was concussed but can't be sure as I don't remember the incident" summed up the quotations from later in the day and attributed to Mr Campbell himself who put in some pretty heavy tackles and made a couple of dizzying breaks, one of which lead to the concussion.
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A spirited fight back by the victims ensued and the point haemorrhaging was stemmed to a lesser level than in the opening stages however the damage was done and after the incident members of the team were quick to point out that the only thing really damaged (apart from Harry's collar bone, Kenny's cranium and the coaches dictionary of sporting superlatives) were 17 egos and a pretty good track record in dirt fights.
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This crime report replaces the normal 4th XV match report which will resume next week but in breaking news WFC have agreed to drop all charges as forensic evidence has proved beyond doubt that the scary gentlemen in question were actually a very handy 3rd XV who were well drilled, sporting but extremely tough opponents who just happened to score 74 unanswered points against a good team who probably should have been there a little earlier and a bit more switched on to the match in the first place. No post mortem will be carried out but a couple of fines may be handed out for wasting valuable police time.
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RH
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watsoniansrugby.com
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Published: 3/12/07
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